post-transition regrets

[kathygnome]

No, don't worry I'm not having any. No matter how many times my urine stream flies off in some new and exciting direction.

But I think I'm beginning to understand some of what leads into regrets. It's actually success.

It really happened a while ago when I was sitting back at home and watching a movie and I thought "you know, my life hasn't really changed all that much. It was such a fuss. It was so expensive. Was it really worth it all?"

And it occurred to me that something really monumental had happened. I was cured. I no longer have GID. I no longer have dysphoria or dissonance. I just live my life as a normal person.

And as time goes on, the desperation I had for so many decades just fades. I can only barely remember what it was like to walk past a gap and not be able to shop for the clothes that I wanted. Or to sit in a group of men and have that horrible "I don't fit in here and I'm supposed to" feeling. I can still look back and realize how much it sucked. How awful it was. And for how long. But it's only been seven months. How little will I remember of gender dysphoria in a decade.

Now I have a very blessed life. I pass flawlessly as far as I can tell. I haven't lost friends, loved ones, or my job. I haven't suffered horrible poverty from obtaining my surgeries. Things are good. But if you combine my growing forgetfulness of the situation I was in at one point with people who have suffered terribe social or economic consequences from transition, it's no surprise that people find they have regrets. They look at the issues in their current life and forget the paralyzing grinding misery of what it's like to live as the wrong gender.

But they key is remembering what life was like before. I think more regrets are created by a rosy view of what life was like in the past than are created by a "grass is always greener" mindset before transition.

Comments

[poeticalpanther.livejournal.com]

I think you're absolutely spot-on. I simply enjoy life now. There's no underlying tension, no fear, no anger, just...joy.

You're right, I think, about how that can lead to what feel like regrets.

[dashingdeviant.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for saying this - I do have to remind myself to think about how I used to feel (which is hard to remember, and something I have trouble feeling now), so that I don't get paralyzed with "is it all worth it? I'm happy now, why have a huge operation?"...because it's just that not living pretending to be the wrong gender, and, being preop, blocking the fact that I am preop entirely out of my mind when I can that makes me happy.

Thank you for mentioning that desperation, and reminding me of it, because, forgetting it, it seems like it's just been a hassle.

Gaby

[becky44.livejournal.com]

Very astute observation! I occasionaly look back at memories of what it was like before transition and surgery! And that makes me so glad to be where I am now! With all the things that have gone on in my life - I'm still in a far better position than I used to be - I'm cured of my GID - and fighting on my terms now! That's a nice place to be!

[rebecca-s921.livejournal.com]

As I am heading toward my grs, these comments are extremely helpful. Thank you so much!

[malada.livejournal.com]

For a while after transistion I walked around with a feeling that something was missing. I knew it wasn't the old flesh but it took me a while to figure it out - it was the inner pain.

I think we live with the confusion and hurt for so long it becomes normal for us. When they're gone we feel like something's not quite right. It takes us a while to realize that we're okay now and living in agony isn't normal, and the trouble we took to escape the torment was well worth it.

Still, I wouldn't mind having all that money back. ;-)

-m

[malinki-nuikila.livejournal.com]

Oh, come on now. There's plenty of anxiety left over to go 'round. Just nestle back into a comfy chunk o' the vast right-wing conspiracy. Or, or, or mad cow! There's a fun one. Let's not forget the looming threat of terrorism, especially today (not to make light of current circumstances, that is).

Awwww, c'mon, don't go gettin' all normal an' stuff on me /sniff

Next thing you know I'll be cutting my hair or somethin'.

[dogzilla30.livejournal.com]

You're so eloquent.